Central The usa, Scuba Diving and Stolen Passports - A Backpacker's Adventure Part - 2 - You Better Belize It

And so we made our way from Mexico to Belize. Goodbye tacos, hello slight variation on tacos. Now, everyone on this trip had been planing it for the better part of a year and I had just found out about it a month ago; I was as clueless and drunk as the dogs over there (that's a real shot from Belize). A coach bus, a pack of smokes and 37 big D*ck jokes later we arrived in this sh*thole they called a town. I don't know what it's called or where it is but I'm pretty sure it came right out of Mexico's a$s. I got a snack, took an 8 minute piss and we were off. Another bus ride and a boat ride later and we arrived at a small island, Caye Caulker. Wow. This was a place I could get used to. This place was truly beautiful. Blue water, white sand, burger stands, this place had it all and only 100 residents to boot. We picked a hostel and got unpacked. Four of us would share a room and the couple who were traveling with us would have their own. We got into our rooms. It was hot everywhere on the island, but holy tits was it hot in this room. To combat the heat we were supplied with 2 broken down fans...and one outlet. I'm going to blow their f*cking minds that hostel owner must have thought in a spanish accent. After about two hours we were becoming delusional from the heat and decided F*UCK this! . We ditched the room only to find what was basically a 2 story apartment WITH AIR CONDITIONING for an extra 5 dollars a night :) We were happy campers. To make matters better for two of my trip mates we had befriended two french girls on the bus who would later be nicknamed Pharoah and The Hott One. The four of them would bunk together (yeah, fuckin' jerks).

The drinking began almost immediately. Once night hit we took things to another level. Three bottles of rum...check! Nice place to sit by the water...check! Big crackhead on the drum...check! His name was Mandingo and he scared the living sh*t out of me. Seemed like a nice enough guy but he was a full blown nut bag. As we drank into the night he sang us a song which rhymed the word reef with reef no less then seven times. At first it was hilarious, half a bottle in it was genius. As I sat with one of the french girls on the dock and we started chatting. Key word: started, until my trip mate decided the smoothest thing to do was to wedge his little ass directly between us. I'm not saying he was being a douchebag, but if he had been a device he'd have been designed to clean vaginas. I let it go and hoped in the water with the rest of the crew. After some more drinking and the usual generic party screams (woo! f*ck ya! I'm so drunk! stop touching that!) the crew mozied back to our residence. 

As we staggered home we met some Canadian girls. Finally , I thought,  play it suave . What was happening in my mind was me saying Well, hey there ladies, you look lovely this evening . What came out was It's fuckin' huge, Gah!! . They were less then impressed, however this was vacation and standards were always drastically lowered; I still had a chance. Were from Burlington one of the girls explained. Again, in my mind I was as smooth as a baby's ass oh, really, thats quite interesting. I used to play football there I thought. BURLINGTON! FULL OF ASS! HA! YOU KNOW I said as I pointed at the brunette far to confidently. Apparently, she didn't know. At this point I had been effectively c0ckblocked by both my trip mate and Captain Morgan and decided it was time to call it a night. I found out when I got to my room that I'd be sharing a bed with the trip mate we had affectionately nicknamed Titties while the c0ckblock sleeping in the room with the frenchies was balls deep in the couch. Oh, how I love poetic justice.

Early the next day one of the trip mates and I went for some early breakfast and exploration. Fried beans and jacks were the national breakfast there but I like to call it the Crap Factory. I mean really, friend beans and deep friend dough for breakfast? For some reason I had it every day we were there. During the day everyone on island hangs out at The Split. A big hurricane had come along one day and split the island in two and the gap in between was perfect for lounging, and that what we did..actually, it's all we did. 

When it rains, it pours. That's not a metafor, holy f*ckin' sh!t. God must have drank as much as we did because it was a borderline hurricane. Deciding to play it safe we ran right into it. It felt like I was being painfully flicked all over. I decided to do it in a towel. Do you know what you get when you mix slippery floors and a guy wearing only a towel? You guessed it. As i stepped out of the apartment first went the left leg, then the right...then the towel. It flopped right out. Don't act like you're not impressed , I joked (I wasn't joking). Then we drank, and drank...and drank. Once night came around I was a little bit passed sh!tshow mode. Hmm, burger I thought as we made our way to the burger stand. One burger, please I requested. That will be fifteen dollars said the woman. I reached into my pocket and threw the bill on the table. ...that's a five said the woman. Oh silly me I responded drunkily as I slapped down another bill. Keep the change, buy yourself something nice, sweety I belted out. Looking at me confused but mainly annoyed the woman groaned. ...It's fifteen dollars, that's a one and this is a 5, that's 6 dollars , said the woman clearly disgruntled. At this point I mumbled something far past recognition and my trip mate I'd been calling Ma the whole trip (she litterally dressed me at one point) had to come over and save me. When we got back we met our neighbors. Nice Americans who introduced us to a game called...well it had no name. But, the object of the game was to take ordinary movie titles and replace a single word with the word 'vagina'. My favorites were V for Vagina, The Vagina Monologues, Black Vagina Down and my personal favorite My Big Fat Greek Vagina.

The plan was to take a 3 day sailboat ride across the country. We went for a meeting to meet the crew who would be taking care of us. They consisted of a murderer (not a joke), a pervert, a mute, an infinite amount of rum punch and a large sack of reefer. Clearly These were professionals, what could go wrong?

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